Behind The Scene (Oct 2010)

this mood is in the right place right now .. hehe
it's galau-ing mood though.

crying? yes. crying..
it's maybe the fourth times i cry because of - - - . but i dont do it anymore because i'm a tough girl. yeaah !!
sometimes i thought that the reason behind the fallen of my tears was reasonable but sometimes wasnt.
yap. in this wide world there's a problem which has to be understood or not. just experienced it and take the wise learning from it.

well, i wanna write about my .. err .. i actually a lil bit clumsy to say it. but it's true it was hurt.

OCTOBER 12th, 2010

at that day, i went to my campus from the early morning. i have some classes. but the mood at that time was not in the right place. soooooooooo bad. still, i have to ran that day :)

i found anggi, my college-mate, and she told me she wanted to go to bookstore, gramedia matraman. hmm..why not? i wasnt in a good mood and i thougth, went to the bookstore was the right decision. for boosting my mood .. so, after the classes for about at 6 p.m. we went to the bookstore. we took transjakarta to go there. so we caught the pasfes shelter. on my way to shelter, i was reminded of --- and i opened my profile on facebook. then i opened --- profile too. and can you guess what ????

it was SHOCK ME !! it was true. really true.
there was something written in --- status.
it slapped me at that time. "hey, you nothing may!". yaa , just like that how i felt.

i didnt know what i have to say. i didnt know what i have to do. i didnt know what i have to feel.
it just flowed. the questions just came up and fulfill my head. i felt a lil bit dizzy.
at the shelter, i could hide my feeling from my friend but when inside the bus, my tears fell down. it was like a heavy rain. the condition at the bust was so crowded. because it was a work time. all the people on their way home. so i didnt get my seat and i have to stand along the way to the bookstore. i remembered, i had to stand beside the door of the bust. there was a man beside me. i hanged my hand to the hand-hanger and my tears still fell down. fortunately the lamp of the bus only worked a half. so people coudnt see me cry. but u thought the man beside me heard me cry.

during the way to the bookstore i cried a lot. from kuningan to matraman. even my tissue ran out. ooh .. poor me. BUT, i still could hide it from anggi. i shed my tears and acted like nothing was happened. and we arrived at the bookstore. i tried to arrange my feeling. "ok may, there's a lot of books and you can enjoyed them". that was my effort to fix my feeling at that time. but it didnt work. i walked among the selves. i didnt know what book that i have to looked for. i just walked and walked. and i couldnt bear it anymore. my tears fell down (again). and it got worse.

after anggi got what she was looking for, we went home. unfortunately the rain fell down T.T the heavy one. i thought it was a storm. so, we decided to wait for the rain and went to the donuts store near the bookstore.

IT WAS A PERFECT NIGHT. THE UNIVERSE EVEN SEEMS KNEW ABOUT MY FEELING AND MADE MY NIGHT EVEN PATHETIC. what a puuuuuurrfeeect day! blah .. :')

I just sit at the armchair and looked the rain fell down to earth. I COUDNT BEAR IT. beneran deeh .. hiks.

then a thousands copied-pasted question fulfill my head (again). "are you playing with my heart?"
yaah .. you got me. you got me in your heart-game. thank you.

after the rain didnt wild anymore .. hehe, we went home.
at my room, i felt so messy. the questions still came up continuously in my head. and i cried. again.
and it was the worst one.
if there was a recording of my crying at that time, maybe i'll be laughed by others who heard. #blush

that was a life experience to me.
the point that i can take from that experience is dont play with somebody heart that you cant responsible with. yeeah .. it will hurt the people's heart that you've played. and i also hand it and always to remember it.
i've been trough this experience with all of my effort. now i still in the process to arrange my he*rt. fix it. fix it. and fix it.

and the most important thing that i've got from this experience is .. Alloh's affection is number one and my priority. Alloh was warning me with this experience because He more jealousy than me and my jealousy is nothing but Him. because mine is Him. so i'll put this heart first only for Him. Alloh taught me the way to put Him as the most priority in my heart. Only His love is everlasting.

maybe i've been through the wrong path and it's my learning for my "future" life.
all i wanna do is only doing apologize to my Lord and make a correction for my life path.
hopefully i'll be tougher.

thanks to you who has the part of my life journey and because of you i can find the true meaning of life.
because of you i know Alloh still love me and He dont wanna me stay away from Him.
Because He officially my only savior. Now and Later in the living next after this life ..